


How Long Do You Want to Be Loved?

by IvanW



Series: Song Inspired Fics [14]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Forever, M/M, One Shot, Romance, Song fic, eternal love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24496966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: After their first night, after the five-year mission, Spock and Jim each contemplate what their future is...together.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Song Inspired Fics [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487456
Comments: 21
Kudos: 157





	How Long Do You Want to Be Loved?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dreamsaremadeofthis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsaremadeofthis/gifts).



> This is a song fic, Lullaby (How Long Do You Want to be Loved) requested by Dreamsaremadeofthis, who I have gifted it to. Not sure I did it justice, her idea, but I tried.

Jim opened his eyes to the sight of Spock sleeping beside him. A definite surprise.

Because well…how long had he been a little in love with Spock anyway? Or a lot if he was honest. And the five-year mission was now over and they were in San Francisco, waiting on word as to whether there’d be another.

And Spock had planned on leaving for New Vulcan in a couple of days, Jim knew. Once he learned one way or another as to whether or not they’d be going out again on a second mission. If they were, well, they’d have some time before, and if they weren’t, well, Spock was likely going to settle there.

Or that’s what Jim’s understanding had been.

Now?

Spock’s eyes slowly blinked open and he stared at Jim.

Jim smiled. “Morning.”

“Good morning, Jim,” Spock’s voice was raspy and soft and sent kind of a thrill through Jim.

“How do you feel?” Jim asked, knowing it was a very loaded question. Was Spock tired? Satisfied? Feeling hopeful? Was last night about saying goodbye? There was so much Jim didn’t know.

Lightening flashed across the open window that had his gaze briefly going there. The sky was overcast, but so far no signs of rain. A moment or so, in the distance, he heard the rumble of thunder.

He returned to looking at Spock.

“I am uncertain.”

Jim willed his heart not to race. _Don’t panic, Jim._

“Do you regret that we did what we did last night?” Voice calm. Good.

“No, Jim. No. I…meant what I said when I said Taluhk nash-veh k’dular.”

Jim nodded. Feeling still uncertain, unsettled.

“Good. Me too. I meant it when I said I love you. I do.”

Spock put his hand on Jim’s cheek. “I am gratified.”

Jim smiled. “Listen. I think we’re both…I don’t know…a little out of it on the morning after. That was a little intense.”

“A lot intense.”

“Yeah. So, um, why don’t I go and get us some breakfast? There’s a place down the street that does amazing things, and the tea and coffee aren’t bad either, so I’ll make an order and then go pick it up.”

“That sounds very acceptable, Jim.” Spock looked pensive. “But, if I may, I would like to have an hour to return to where I am staying and gather my thoughts, if permissible, I will return here after that hour.”

“Sure okay. Just give me what you’d like to eat and I’ll get it for you.”

****

It was a rather long walk from the temporary residence Jim was staying in, provided by HQ, and quite near it, from where Spock was staying near the Vulcan Embassy in a place his father kept. He needed the time to think about the events of the last few days.

The sky was becoming ever threatening, and Spock knew that at some point, it might begin to rain on him. He cared little, needing the time to contemplate the future.

And it was a significant contemplation.

He had long considered Jim precious above all things. He had made up his mind that he would stay by Jim’s side as long as Jim continued on active missions with Starfleet. Jim had a nose for trouble and Spock would not let him face it alone.

But just how deeply he wanted to be involved was another consideration altogether.

After years of him being with Nyota, they had ultimately decided they desired different things, and in Spock’s case, admittedly, other people. They remained friends. And for this, Spock was grateful.

But…should he and Jim become a committed couple, and should something happen between them to break that commitment, Spock knew how volatile and emotional Jim was. He could not see them maintaining a friendship should matters change between them.

Spock’s feelings for Jim would never change. He was a little more uncertain with regard to Jim’s feelings for him. And Jim’s prior behavior with intimate partners did not encourage long term.

Still…Spock did not want to be without Jim. And it was possible that Jim could fully commit to Spock, and if he did, Spock would be very interested in initiating a bond between them.

Which could lead to so much joy and…pain.

Jim was Human. Fully, incredibly Human.

And would, therefore, be vulnerable to death much sooner than Spock, in all probability. He had faced Jim’s death already and it was nearly too much. Had to face the possibility numerous times of Jim’s possible death when they were just friends. If they were bonded…

But who was Spock kidding? When had Jim been just a friend, really.

And after last night, how could he even contemplate only a friendship with such an enigmatic being?

And yet, he could not forget the lesson learned from his late counterpart. Ambassador Spock had so little time with his Kirk. And he lived so many years alone, unable to contemplate bonding with someone again. He never really recovered from the loss of his bondmate.

Something Spock himself was almost certainly to face.

Could he have the love and companionship of Jim for twenty years only to lose him? Perhaps only ten. Or even a mere five. McCoy had declared he didn’t think Khan’s blood had extended Jim’s life beyond that of a normal Human. That hadn’t been what Spock had wanted to hear and yet Jim had laughed and said he figured he’d never get any easy breaks. As if any of that had been easy.

Spock remembered a conversation then, that he’d had with his counterpart, the last time he’d spoken to him.

They had not kept in as regular contact as Spock both would have liked and feared. He’d still been with Nyota then, and he conversation had turned to their personal relationships.

It was over a video conference as his duties kept him away from visiting New Vulcan.

_“How are things between yourself and the young Nyota Uhura?”_

_“They are going tolerably well,” Spock replied. He hesitated then. “I have been…considering leaving my position aboard the Enterprise, however.”_

_“Oh? Does Jim know this?”_

_It had taken him back a moment that the Ambassador had gone straight to that. But then he recalled he’d learned that his relationship had been much different with his Kirk._

_“No. I have made no decision so there has been no need to inform the captain.”_

_The Ambassador’s lips had gone very thin at that point, a rather almost imperceptible frown appearing. He seemed suddenly quite old and frail and Spock’s heart clenched in his side._

_“I had forgotten.”_

_“Forgotten?”_

_“That you do not view your Jim the same way.”_

_Spock felt himself stiffen. “You are aware we do not have the same intimate relationship as you had. I am with Nyota.”_

_“Yes,” the Ambassador said. “It is the…friendship you lack. It was a number of years before our relationship became romantic, but it was always Jim I turned to first for-for advice and he to me. It is…disheartening to think that you do not have that deep friendship with your Jim.” He shook his head. “There was so much wasted time between Jim and me. That the time I did have with him, even the friendship, it was the most important relationship I have ever had or would ever have. In the end, romantic love or not, our time together ended up being so very, very brief.” He heaved a sigh. “Forgive me, Spock, but I find myself very tired right now and I will have to cut this short.”_

Not long after that contact, Spock had ended things with Nyota over his decision to leave Starfleet and settle on New Vulcan and before Spock could spend too much time contemplating the nature of both his and the Ambassador’s relationships with their captains, the events of Altamid had occurred.

At first, he had reconciled with Nyota, even while he worked to build more of a friendship with Jim. But the deeper his friendship with Jim had become, the more time he spent with their captain, the more his romantic relationship had been strained with Nyota, until they had decided to end things for good.

Even still, though his own feelings for Jim had increased by quite a bit during the remainder of their five-year mission, Spock had not pursued anything with Jim beyond that close relationship.

Until last night.

And now everything had been tilted on an axis that could not be righted easily.

Spock touched his fingertips to his lips, he could still recall the feel of Jim’s mouth on his, the taste of Jim. The feel of Jim arching beneath him. The musical sound of his moans. Spock did not think he could ever go back to anyone else anyway. 

And though his elder counterpart had known great pain in the loss of his Jim, he had also known contentment and happiness. He remembered the box of the Ambassador’s things and the tokens and sentimental items that his counterpart had kept.

Because of love.

Was there really ever any doubt after the intense crash between them last night. The passion, the desperation. How could or would he ever give that up when he could have it for whatever time Jim would have?

The first drops of rain came down upon his head, and Spock turned away from the Embassy he had reached, to return home.

****

For a long time after Spock left the apartment, Jim sat alone in the dark, thinking,

Jim could be obtuse sometimes when it came to Spock. He knew that. But this time, he had seen the…lingering doubts in those dark eyes.

Spock who had been intent on leaving Uhura after being with her a number of years to go and take care of things on New Vulcan. What chance did Jim really have?

He went over and over what had pushed them at each other the night before and Jim knew it was him. He had started it. He’d rushed at Spock and taken every last thing that Spock had to give.

He’d had no regrets. But now…

He kept playing a conversation he’d had with Sarek in his head. One that had happened a few weeks ago, after they’d come back from the mission. He hadn’t told Spock about it. Or even Bones, who had an uncanny knack for pulling information out of Jim.

_“Captain Kirk, I trust you are well.”_

_“Yes, thanks. I’m good. You just missed Spock. I’m sure I could get him back if you’ll let me contact—”_

_“Actually it was you I wished a word with.”_

_“Oh?”_

_“This is…awkward. I am aware of your great affection for my son and I’m aware that he returns that affection.”_

_“Sir…”_

_Sarek held up his hand. “I was with my wife, a Human, for such a brief time, really. A shorter time, certainly, than I had anticipated.”_

_Jim nodded, not sure where this was leading. “I’m sorry, sir.”_

_“I knew that our time would be short. I was much older than Amanda with the hope she would spend a longer time alive with me. That was not to be.”_

_“True but her being Human had nothing to do with her death,” Jim pointed out._

_“That is true. However, it is more likely that if Spock were to have a Human mate, he would face such a loss much sooner than with a Vulcan one, something like what befell Amanda notwithstanding.”_

_“Right. But, great affection for Spock or not, I have nothing to say about his personal choices regarding a mate, sir. Nor has he asked my advice or opinion on it. And you may not have heard, but Spock and Nyota Uhura have ended their relationship, so…”_

_Sarek stared at him for a long time. “Have they? I appreciate the information, Captain. And your time. It is not that I wish to interfere in my son’s choices, it is just that a Vulcan mate in these times…well, you understand.”_

_“Uh-uh. Sure. But Spock makes that decision. So.” He shrugged._

And at the time Jim thought there was something he wasn’t quite getting and now he wondered if Sarek had known something then about where he and Spock were headed and that was Sarek’s version of warning Jim off.

Was Sarek telling Jim to step aside and let Spock have a nice Vulcan wife?

And should he?

Jim didn’t know. Because God knew, with the chances he took all the time, he was probably going to die sooner rather than later. And if and Spock bonded…

A destroyed bond was horrendous, Jim knew. Could he do that to Spock?

He’d left the apartment to go and get the breakfast, all the while thinking about what he should do.

God, he loved Spock. So much. For so long. And he’d been so happy just to be Spock’s friend when their friendship finally took off and they started spending time together. It had been enough. He thought.

Until looking at Spock in the moonlight last night and wanting…everything.

Should he just say goodbye? Let Spock go?

Jim didn’t want to be selfish but…

But the thought of not being with Spock even for a short time…Jim blinked away the moisture in his eyes.

Never in a million years had he thought…

Growing up in Iowa, having someone like Spock with _him_?

Spock said Taluhk nash-veh k’dular. Jim knew the meaning and what it had cost Spock to say those words. To mean them.

Jim said he loved Spock.

And he did. More than anything.

Enough to let him go?

Did Jim not deserve what happiness he could have?

And when Jim died, because it was likely to be him, yeah, couldn’t then Spock have his Vulcan mate?

Big fat rain drops fell on his face, a particularly big one touching his nose.

“Jim.”

Heart leaping, Jim turned toward that warm, loving voice.

“Spock?”

Spock was soaking wet, drenched from head to toe and out of breath as he rushed to Jim.

He didn’t stop until he had pulled Jim into his arms. Startled, but happily so, Jim fell into those arms as they closed around him.

“Are you okay?” Jim whispered.

“I have been thinking.”

Jim pulled back to look at Spock’s wet face. “About?”

“How long do you want to be loved?”

Jim laughed, it sort of sounded watery. “From you? I don’t know. Is forever enough?”

“Jim.” Spock pulled him close. Held him tight. “Whatever time we have together, I want it. I want you.”

Jim closed his eyes. “Same.” He swallowed. “Same.”


End file.
